In a dreadfully slow manner the week has come to an end and I am returning to America tomorrow. I am having difficulty believing that 24 hours from now I will be flying 30000 feet above the ocean.
I spent the past week anticipating the next 24 hours and as such the hours have stagnantly trickle past. Nonetheless, I am very excited that my homecoming has finally arrived. I feel a bit like a convict that has spent the last several months in the same confined space..... My heart is yearning to experience the public sphere; restaurants, movies, and social gatherings. I am ready to express myself in complete sentences and fully comprehend signage. I cannot wait to hug my family and friends!
Although I eagerly anticipate American soil, there are several parts of Korea that I will miss. First and foremost I will miss my students. Interacting with my students I learned a lot about Korean culture and myself. I am still amazed with the significantly long amount time kids spend in school. Elementary school students stay out till 11 o'clock at night studying at private academies and many attend class Saturday or Sunday. Without my students I would have never understood Korean holidays like Chusok and many other intricacies of Korean life. Teaching classses also helped me formulate several conclusions about my own life. For instance, I now want to have my own children after closely observing the beauty of young minds. I am more committed to finding a long-term job geared towards the assistance of others.
Living in Korea has provided me with many insights into life. Many of my beliefs about humanity have been affirmed through anthropological observations. I plan to use these affirmations to direct my energies for the next several years. Now more than ever I understand and appreciate the love and support of my friends and family. I know that without these people my life is colorless and fragmentary. Furthermore, lacking the access to so many components of my former life leaves me that much more grateful and cognitive of my good-fortune. It is easy pass up experience when they are abundant and consequently encounter a limited subset of impressions. I feel more empowered to proactively pursue different situations and comprehend the unfamiliar phenomena.
My lasting impression of Korea will be a nation of truly kind and polite people. My everyday existence was exceptionally brightened by the essentially wordless communication that littered my time in Korea. Kindness from the bakery couple, who gave me gifts every other visit, or the smile of the convenience store owner are emblazoned in my memory. The basic respect that is incorporated into all basic gestures and phrases is truly admirable.
Besides Korean people, I am most grateful for my coworkers. I think I would have gone insane if it were not for the English conversation we shared in the teacher's room. I think the strangeness of our situation encouraged much more rapid friendships that would rarely occur in the states. I will miss them all.
I want to thank everyone at home for reading this blog, sending me emails, and listening to my complaints. Without my connections in California, I probably would have fallen into some deep depression. I love you all very dearly and cannot wait to see your faces!
Now before I attempt to sleep, which I doubt will be successful, I have one request........... Would you like to meet me for American or Mexican food in Los Angeles or Orange County?
Affectionately yours
-Holly-
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
no turkeys in korea
Dear readers.
Well unexpected news has provided the impetus for my early departure from Korea. As such I have one week left to spend in Cheongju.
Following the finalization of my flight early this week, time has slowed dramatically from mind-numbing roar of the last four months. I am so excited to be home! The anticipation is dually wonderful and terrible, and courses through me as I eagerly await the glorious MONDAY and count down the hours, minutes, and seconds remaining.
This Thursday was Thanksgiving, which I did not truly celebrate. I hung out in my apartment in the afternoon and worked during the evening. I cannot say I had a exceptionally good meal for lunch or dinner, however I did make some chocolate thumbprint cookies for my coworkers. Regardless of the lack of external celebration, I spent the day mindful of the wonderful people in my life. I really am quite lucky; I have wonderful parents that provide unconditional support and a beautiful sister/best friend that fills my life with love and joy. My extended family has maintained a constant affectionate presence throughout all of my endeavors, for which I am extremely grateful . In addition to a fantastic family, I feel so fortunate to possess a strong base of loving friends that shower my life with good cheer. Even though I sometimes fool myself to think otherwise, I now know that all of these people truly care for me. I hope my oftentimes hermetic behavior does not fool anyone, because the time shared with loved ones is a primary input for my well-being. I love you all so much.
Thinking about the people that care brings me to a related topic, the people that fail to show up. In my short 21 years of life, I have already encountered too many undependable capricious individuals. As I endow trust easily, on several occasions my heart has suffered beatings from these peoples careless actions. Although I try to embrace pain as unavoidable and necessary, there is no need to wastefully invest energy in a unilateral relationship. I believe that if a person genuinely desires your company they will take the time to call, write, or show up. I consider a failure to contact or appear as an indication of disinterest. Thus, I am going to renew my resolution and avoid pursuing unreciprocative individuals. If those people later realize their manifestation of apathy, I will not discriminate and grant an open-armed reception.
Well, one week left..... Check next Sunday for my final thoughts on Korea.
Sending all of my love,
-Holly-
Well unexpected news has provided the impetus for my early departure from Korea. As such I have one week left to spend in Cheongju.
Following the finalization of my flight early this week, time has slowed dramatically from mind-numbing roar of the last four months. I am so excited to be home! The anticipation is dually wonderful and terrible, and courses through me as I eagerly await the glorious MONDAY and count down the hours, minutes, and seconds remaining.
This Thursday was Thanksgiving, which I did not truly celebrate. I hung out in my apartment in the afternoon and worked during the evening. I cannot say I had a exceptionally good meal for lunch or dinner, however I did make some chocolate thumbprint cookies for my coworkers. Regardless of the lack of external celebration, I spent the day mindful of the wonderful people in my life. I really am quite lucky; I have wonderful parents that provide unconditional support and a beautiful sister/best friend that fills my life with love and joy. My extended family has maintained a constant affectionate presence throughout all of my endeavors, for which I am extremely grateful . In addition to a fantastic family, I feel so fortunate to possess a strong base of loving friends that shower my life with good cheer. Even though I sometimes fool myself to think otherwise, I now know that all of these people truly care for me. I hope my oftentimes hermetic behavior does not fool anyone, because the time shared with loved ones is a primary input for my well-being. I love you all so much.
Thinking about the people that care brings me to a related topic, the people that fail to show up. In my short 21 years of life, I have already encountered too many undependable capricious individuals. As I endow trust easily, on several occasions my heart has suffered beatings from these peoples careless actions. Although I try to embrace pain as unavoidable and necessary, there is no need to wastefully invest energy in a unilateral relationship. I believe that if a person genuinely desires your company they will take the time to call, write, or show up. I consider a failure to contact or appear as an indication of disinterest. Thus, I am going to renew my resolution and avoid pursuing unreciprocative individuals. If those people later realize their manifestation of apathy, I will not discriminate and grant an open-armed reception.
Well, one week left..... Check next Sunday for my final thoughts on Korea.
Sending all of my love,
-Holly-
Saturday, November 22, 2008
smiles, gumdrops, and figments of our imaginations
Hello World!
I have arrived, I am very happy this week. My insides are singing with anticipation and life is looking positive.
Wednesday brought............. SNOW! I know super cool right? Yes, yes I am a Californian. My coworker, Lauren, and I were super childish staring and frolicking in the icy flakes. It was my second experience with falling snow, so I was quite fascinated. The negative component of the snowy weather is the freezing temperature. I have never felt so cold in all of my life. When I walk outside its like my bones ache with coldness. At this point I am wearing pants, boots, 2 sweaters, a coat, thick gloves, and a tightly wrapped scarf. Each time I see myself, my nose is Rudolph-red and my lips are a lovely shade of purple. In response to the harsh elements, coffee-drinking has developed into a means of warming my body. I am still weirded out by my consumption of coffee..........
The generosity of Korean store-owners provides me with some emotional warmth to combat the bleak weather. As I have mentioned in previous posts Korean store-owners frequently give me little gifts. This week, when I came in for my tri-weekly visit, the bakery owner gave me these heart-shaped pocket warmers upon seeing my sniffling and shivering state. Yesterday, the convenience store man gave a humongous apple with my water. I was very touched by their benevolence. i think their tokens are in appreciation of my regular business. I like the personal aspect to their businesses and feel more inclined to make purchases. They have perhaps unknowingly mastered the principles of good business.
I have been contemplating the degree to which our lives are truly selfish. My perspectives has always rested on the idea that since life is carried out in one's own body, we tend to act in self-centered ways. However even seemingly egotistical motives typically include accommodation for any nearby humanity. For instance if someone is committing a selfish act, they will modify or frame their actions such that other people will still regard them positively. Additionally in many ways an individual's happiness oftentimes rests completely on the interactions and affection gained from others. Complicatedly enough, although humans fundamentally strive to promote self-interest, we are constantly adapting and conforming to the needs and desires of those intersecting our habitats. Perhaps this ever-present accommodation makes the world a functional place, where people pursue their own well-being yet reframe from infringing upon the livelihood of others.
I hope everyone enjoys their turkey and family gatherings this week. Holidays can become stale and redundant when we forget their true meanings and regard them as an obligation to our social intersections. Rather than performing your part in an elaborate meaningless charade, try acting upon your unfeigned needs for love and companionship. Perhaps you will find Thanksgiving and Christmas obligations less tedious and embrace the conviviality intended for these days:)
All of my love,
-Holly-
I have arrived, I am very happy this week. My insides are singing with anticipation and life is looking positive.
Wednesday brought............. SNOW! I know super cool right? Yes, yes I am a Californian. My coworker, Lauren, and I were super childish staring and frolicking in the icy flakes. It was my second experience with falling snow, so I was quite fascinated. The negative component of the snowy weather is the freezing temperature. I have never felt so cold in all of my life. When I walk outside its like my bones ache with coldness. At this point I am wearing pants, boots, 2 sweaters, a coat, thick gloves, and a tightly wrapped scarf. Each time I see myself, my nose is Rudolph-red and my lips are a lovely shade of purple. In response to the harsh elements, coffee-drinking has developed into a means of warming my body. I am still weirded out by my consumption of coffee..........
The generosity of Korean store-owners provides me with some emotional warmth to combat the bleak weather. As I have mentioned in previous posts Korean store-owners frequently give me little gifts. This week, when I came in for my tri-weekly visit, the bakery owner gave me these heart-shaped pocket warmers upon seeing my sniffling and shivering state. Yesterday, the convenience store man gave a humongous apple with my water. I was very touched by their benevolence. i think their tokens are in appreciation of my regular business. I like the personal aspect to their businesses and feel more inclined to make purchases. They have perhaps unknowingly mastered the principles of good business.
I have been contemplating the degree to which our lives are truly selfish. My perspectives has always rested on the idea that since life is carried out in one's own body, we tend to act in self-centered ways. However even seemingly egotistical motives typically include accommodation for any nearby humanity. For instance if someone is committing a selfish act, they will modify or frame their actions such that other people will still regard them positively. Additionally in many ways an individual's happiness oftentimes rests completely on the interactions and affection gained from others. Complicatedly enough, although humans fundamentally strive to promote self-interest, we are constantly adapting and conforming to the needs and desires of those intersecting our habitats. Perhaps this ever-present accommodation makes the world a functional place, where people pursue their own well-being yet reframe from infringing upon the livelihood of others.
I hope everyone enjoys their turkey and family gatherings this week. Holidays can become stale and redundant when we forget their true meanings and regard them as an obligation to our social intersections. Rather than performing your part in an elaborate meaningless charade, try acting upon your unfeigned needs for love and companionship. Perhaps you will find Thanksgiving and Christmas obligations less tedious and embrace the conviviality intended for these days:)
All of my love,
-Holly-
Friday, November 14, 2008
Rosy Disenchantment
Hola Hola! Well my lovely people, the week flew by and it is Sunday yet again. The week was both tiresome and uplifting............
With classes back in full swing my days seem much more full and worthwhile. It is so encouraging when my students enjoy class and express and genuine interest in learning. Since I love education so much I try to convey to them the beauty of learning. I truly believe there are few things more glorious than knowledge. I frequently notice that the students are not motivated by learning, but by receiving a above-average grade. While I see some value in earning good grades, it is sad that young folks lose their curiosity and fervor in the education system.
At the end of the week, I received a great complement from a student, that is one of the sweetest things anyone has said to me; One of our conversation topics in class was if you were a food, what food would you be? After all the students had spoke I had them think of what food I would be. One student said " You would be sauce." A little confused I asked him " How am I like sauce?" and he replied " Sauce makes everything delicious like your kindness makes everyone happy." I thought that was a) incredibly poetic b) absolutely adorable!
Outside of class, as usual, my time was quite insipid and colorless. I did realize that Thanksgiving may be worse than I had foreseen... As Koreans obviously do not celebrate Thanksgiving and it is a Thursday holiday, I will be working Thanksgiving. I am reasonably upset about my realization, but hoping that work will distract and not depress me. In other news I am spending some time researching graduate programs and planning for the near future. I plan to begin studying and take the GRE soon, in addition to submit applications to several masters degree programs. With any luck these efforts will distract me for several weeks.
Recent events have reawakened dreams that I thought were lost, and these possibilities have left me daydreaming and envisioning future prospects. Sometimes I have a hard time separating dream from reality and I hope that my musings will lack any negative effects. Like many times in the past I ache to jump in the water, but remain standing at the shore looking absentmindedly at the sky. Maybe one day somebody will push me in.........
To conclude this posting: I think my experience in Korea is ultimately positive, because if nothing else, I am mentally navigating toward the narrowing trajectory of my future.
With classes back in full swing my days seem much more full and worthwhile. It is so encouraging when my students enjoy class and express and genuine interest in learning. Since I love education so much I try to convey to them the beauty of learning. I truly believe there are few things more glorious than knowledge. I frequently notice that the students are not motivated by learning, but by receiving a above-average grade. While I see some value in earning good grades, it is sad that young folks lose their curiosity and fervor in the education system.
At the end of the week, I received a great complement from a student, that is one of the sweetest things anyone has said to me; One of our conversation topics in class was if you were a food, what food would you be? After all the students had spoke I had them think of what food I would be. One student said " You would be sauce." A little confused I asked him " How am I like sauce?" and he replied " Sauce makes everything delicious like your kindness makes everyone happy." I thought that was a) incredibly poetic b) absolutely adorable!
Outside of class, as usual, my time was quite insipid and colorless. I did realize that Thanksgiving may be worse than I had foreseen... As Koreans obviously do not celebrate Thanksgiving and it is a Thursday holiday, I will be working Thanksgiving. I am reasonably upset about my realization, but hoping that work will distract and not depress me. In other news I am spending some time researching graduate programs and planning for the near future. I plan to begin studying and take the GRE soon, in addition to submit applications to several masters degree programs. With any luck these efforts will distract me for several weeks.
Recent events have reawakened dreams that I thought were lost, and these possibilities have left me daydreaming and envisioning future prospects. Sometimes I have a hard time separating dream from reality and I hope that my musings will lack any negative effects. Like many times in the past I ache to jump in the water, but remain standing at the shore looking absentmindedly at the sky. Maybe one day somebody will push me in.........
To conclude this posting: I think my experience in Korea is ultimately positive, because if nothing else, I am mentally navigating toward the narrowing trajectory of my future.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Je ne sais pas
Hola mis amigos!
Como estas? I am decent enough, thanks for asking:) Here in Cheongju the new semester has started and I continue to freeze my buns off.......
After my week-long vacation, I was ready to kick off the new semester. I am really pleased with my classes; all of the kids seem well-behaved and at least partially interested in learning English. As each class was spent introducing materials and ourselves, the week was quite low stress. I am pretty excited to try some new lessons out and hopefully inspire some learning. As I have mentioned before, Korean kids are so overwhelmed with endless hours of school that they are oftentimes disillusioned with education. It saddens me that young kids could already dislike their education, so I do my best to create an interactive classroom and encourage participation.
On a side note I wanted to say I am extremely grateful for Dunkin Donuts. Without Dunkin Donuts my life would be significantly less pleasant. Besides my morning bagel, they fuel my new coffee interest and supply a convenient location for my Korean-culture investigations. So thank goodness for Dunkin Donuts! (and no I was not payed for advertisement)
Besides work, I have been focusing on Thanksgiving preparations. As I am in Korea, procuring the necessary Thanksgiving items, is a slight challenge. I think that in many ways being removed from your country makes national holidays more salient. It seems like less of a commercial event and much more an important tradition. So, I really want to create a true Thanksgiving for my coworkers. I think that being away from our loved ones, all of us are going to be sad, and thus having something similar to home will be quite crucial.
This weekend, reading at Dunkin Donuts and observing several Korean couples, I noticed that Korean women seem to transcend the men. Most of them are so perfectly dressed and stunningly beautiful, that their wiry sweethearts seem inferior. Yet, I find their interactions adorable! The younger men, maybe realizing their girlfriends stature, are constantly tending to the women's needs and desires. However, the older men appear indifferent or dispassionate towards their wives. I wonder what encourages this dwindling interest that the men demonstrate. I guess I must continue to observe and make guesses...................
Well the new week has begun and school is going to return to full-speed. I will be thinking of everyone at home as I grade papers and teach English conversation:)
All of my Love,
-Holly-
Como estas? I am decent enough, thanks for asking:) Here in Cheongju the new semester has started and I continue to freeze my buns off.......
After my week-long vacation, I was ready to kick off the new semester. I am really pleased with my classes; all of the kids seem well-behaved and at least partially interested in learning English. As each class was spent introducing materials and ourselves, the week was quite low stress. I am pretty excited to try some new lessons out and hopefully inspire some learning. As I have mentioned before, Korean kids are so overwhelmed with endless hours of school that they are oftentimes disillusioned with education. It saddens me that young kids could already dislike their education, so I do my best to create an interactive classroom and encourage participation.
On a side note I wanted to say I am extremely grateful for Dunkin Donuts. Without Dunkin Donuts my life would be significantly less pleasant. Besides my morning bagel, they fuel my new coffee interest and supply a convenient location for my Korean-culture investigations. So thank goodness for Dunkin Donuts! (and no I was not payed for advertisement)
Besides work, I have been focusing on Thanksgiving preparations. As I am in Korea, procuring the necessary Thanksgiving items, is a slight challenge. I think that in many ways being removed from your country makes national holidays more salient. It seems like less of a commercial event and much more an important tradition. So, I really want to create a true Thanksgiving for my coworkers. I think that being away from our loved ones, all of us are going to be sad, and thus having something similar to home will be quite crucial.
This weekend, reading at Dunkin Donuts and observing several Korean couples, I noticed that Korean women seem to transcend the men. Most of them are so perfectly dressed and stunningly beautiful, that their wiry sweethearts seem inferior. Yet, I find their interactions adorable! The younger men, maybe realizing their girlfriends stature, are constantly tending to the women's needs and desires. However, the older men appear indifferent or dispassionate towards their wives. I wonder what encourages this dwindling interest that the men demonstrate. I guess I must continue to observe and make guesses...................
Well the new week has begun and school is going to return to full-speed. I will be thinking of everyone at home as I grade papers and teach English conversation:)
All of my Love,
-Holly-
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Eggs Sunny Side Up
Hello All!
First of all, Thank you for the posts last week! It is helpful to know someone is listening and cares. After reading them, I decided I needed to concentrate less on the negative and focus on the attainable and present.
With positive-proton thoughts in mind I decided to travel to Busan during my vacation week. It was a refreshing trip and I am glad that I ventured out of Cheongju. Busan is the second largest Korean city, so it is very metropolitan. I used the trip as an opportunity to indulge in some Western food and plenty of people-watching. Things I observed: A million cute-Korean couples like the others that seem to spill out of the streets. There is a curious waffle and ice-cream trend that appears exclusive to Busan. Busan also offers these ultra-ornate italian restaurants, which teem with the previously mentioned couples. In other news: I am now a coffee drinker.... During the trip it seemed appropriate to have cup of coffee, which I discovered to be quite delectable. Following that first cup, several more followed, and have added fuel to my caffeine addiction.
The remainder of my vacation-week was spent relaxing in Cheongju. I did go to the bar for a Halloween party, which was thrown primarily for the small foreigner population residing in Cheongju. I was stoked to dance to the bad garage rock music and interact with other humans. The evening was enjoyable, but ended poorly due to some sleazy middle-age man's inappropriate behavior.
I am happy to report that meal preparation remains as a primary source of entertainment. My abilities and culinary adventures are broadening and have culminated to this evening's Thyme-roasted Duck breast with vanilla red wine sauce accompanied by roasted sweet potato and poached pear (Thank goodness for comfort-packages and online shopping). I am very impressed with myself:) Finding recipes and cooking is comfortably reminiscent of home and provides me with a creative outlet. I hope my Grandma Bingham would be proud.
In closing here is a list of things I like about Korea:
1) The yellow, red, and brown leaves that litter the streets and I kick as I am walking
2) Little kids playing outside at night without supervision, because safety is not an issue
3) Teaching my classes
4) Genuinely friendly sales clerks
5) self-sufficiency
Sending all my love,
-Holly-
First of all, Thank you for the posts last week! It is helpful to know someone is listening and cares. After reading them, I decided I needed to concentrate less on the negative and focus on the attainable and present.
With positive-proton thoughts in mind I decided to travel to Busan during my vacation week. It was a refreshing trip and I am glad that I ventured out of Cheongju. Busan is the second largest Korean city, so it is very metropolitan. I used the trip as an opportunity to indulge in some Western food and plenty of people-watching. Things I observed: A million cute-Korean couples like the others that seem to spill out of the streets. There is a curious waffle and ice-cream trend that appears exclusive to Busan. Busan also offers these ultra-ornate italian restaurants, which teem with the previously mentioned couples. In other news: I am now a coffee drinker.... During the trip it seemed appropriate to have cup of coffee, which I discovered to be quite delectable. Following that first cup, several more followed, and have added fuel to my caffeine addiction.
The remainder of my vacation-week was spent relaxing in Cheongju. I did go to the bar for a Halloween party, which was thrown primarily for the small foreigner population residing in Cheongju. I was stoked to dance to the bad garage rock music and interact with other humans. The evening was enjoyable, but ended poorly due to some sleazy middle-age man's inappropriate behavior.
I am happy to report that meal preparation remains as a primary source of entertainment. My abilities and culinary adventures are broadening and have culminated to this evening's Thyme-roasted Duck breast with vanilla red wine sauce accompanied by roasted sweet potato and poached pear (Thank goodness for comfort-packages and online shopping). I am very impressed with myself:) Finding recipes and cooking is comfortably reminiscent of home and provides me with a creative outlet. I hope my Grandma Bingham would be proud.
In closing here is a list of things I like about Korea:
1) The yellow, red, and brown leaves that litter the streets and I kick as I am walking
2) Little kids playing outside at night without supervision, because safety is not an issue
3) Teaching my classes
4) Genuinely friendly sales clerks
5) self-sufficiency
Sending all my love,
-Holly-
Sunday, October 26, 2008
one strange clock
Hello all. This week I feel more emo-kid than usual. Throughout the week I have repeatedly been overcome with the desire to walk in the wind and run in the rain. Usually these types of cravings reflect my inner-turmoil.
At school it was finals week, so I found my classes more relaxed. As the kids tested, I essentially read for an hour. I am feeling increasingly more confident teaching. In fact work is my favorite part of Korea. In addition to taking a central role in the learning process, which I so dearly love, I am assured 6 hours of other humanity and source for conversation. So despite the lack of a strong infrastructure or leadership, I enjoy teaching.
The cycles across time are most intriguing ; some people move and others leave. Both physically and emotionally our fellow humans, like ourselves, are in constant flux. There are no guarantees that people will stay. So living life we must constantly readjust our cognitive structures to account for the constant fluctuation of people. One thing that is true in all cases is one can never calculate all the possible variations life throws us. At the moment I doing my best to cope with these undulations and find myself holding onto those that have fallen away. I wonder if the cycle will complete and I will find myself in their company again. Or perhaps those individuals are permanently relocated, lost in another orbit somewhere in this immense world.
I have ceased keeping track of my time in Korea because it is daunting to think about the time ahead of me. I miss having my family and friends nearby. I have grown weary of my isolated life. I have grown weary of myself and my thoughts. I wish someone was here to give me hugs whenever I wanted one. I wish I was more flexible and that I could just assimilate here. In reality I make the choice, so it is my own inexorable nature that prevents me from being comfortable. Yet realizing this I cannot will myself. I do not know what needs to change. Should I will myself to change my expectations? No, I already have done so. Or maybe change my routines? Well, I have certainly modified my routines since moving. Then what is it I cannot accept? Maybe that one can live without affectionate interactions..... I refuse to abondon this hope, because it drives me forward.
Affectionately yours,
-Holly-
At school it was finals week, so I found my classes more relaxed. As the kids tested, I essentially read for an hour. I am feeling increasingly more confident teaching. In fact work is my favorite part of Korea. In addition to taking a central role in the learning process, which I so dearly love, I am assured 6 hours of other humanity and source for conversation. So despite the lack of a strong infrastructure or leadership, I enjoy teaching.
The cycles across time are most intriguing ; some people move and others leave. Both physically and emotionally our fellow humans, like ourselves, are in constant flux. There are no guarantees that people will stay. So living life we must constantly readjust our cognitive structures to account for the constant fluctuation of people. One thing that is true in all cases is one can never calculate all the possible variations life throws us. At the moment I doing my best to cope with these undulations and find myself holding onto those that have fallen away. I wonder if the cycle will complete and I will find myself in their company again. Or perhaps those individuals are permanently relocated, lost in another orbit somewhere in this immense world.
I have ceased keeping track of my time in Korea because it is daunting to think about the time ahead of me. I miss having my family and friends nearby. I have grown weary of my isolated life. I have grown weary of myself and my thoughts. I wish someone was here to give me hugs whenever I wanted one. I wish I was more flexible and that I could just assimilate here. In reality I make the choice, so it is my own inexorable nature that prevents me from being comfortable. Yet realizing this I cannot will myself. I do not know what needs to change. Should I will myself to change my expectations? No, I already have done so. Or maybe change my routines? Well, I have certainly modified my routines since moving. Then what is it I cannot accept? Maybe that one can live without affectionate interactions..... I refuse to abondon this hope, because it drives me forward.
Affectionately yours,
-Holly-
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