Hello all. This week I feel more emo-kid than usual. Throughout the week I have repeatedly been overcome with the desire to walk in the wind and run in the rain. Usually these types of cravings reflect my inner-turmoil.
At school it was finals week, so I found my classes more relaxed. As the kids tested, I essentially read for an hour. I am feeling increasingly more confident teaching. In fact work is my favorite part of Korea. In addition to taking a central role in the learning process, which I so dearly love, I am assured 6 hours of other humanity and source for conversation. So despite the lack of a strong infrastructure or leadership, I enjoy teaching.
The cycles across time are most intriguing ; some people move and others leave. Both physically and emotionally our fellow humans, like ourselves, are in constant flux. There are no guarantees that people will stay. So living life we must constantly readjust our cognitive structures to account for the constant fluctuation of people. One thing that is true in all cases is one can never calculate all the possible variations life throws us. At the moment I doing my best to cope with these undulations and find myself holding onto those that have fallen away. I wonder if the cycle will complete and I will find myself in their company again. Or perhaps those individuals are permanently relocated, lost in another orbit somewhere in this immense world.
I have ceased keeping track of my time in Korea because it is daunting to think about the time ahead of me. I miss having my family and friends nearby. I have grown weary of my isolated life. I have grown weary of myself and my thoughts. I wish someone was here to give me hugs whenever I wanted one. I wish I was more flexible and that I could just assimilate here. In reality I make the choice, so it is my own inexorable nature that prevents me from being comfortable. Yet realizing this I cannot will myself. I do not know what needs to change. Should I will myself to change my expectations? No, I already have done so. Or maybe change my routines? Well, I have certainly modified my routines since moving. Then what is it I cannot accept? Maybe that one can live without affectionate interactions..... I refuse to abondon this hope, because it drives me forward.
Affectionately yours,
-Holly-
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
What week is it?
My apologies readers I failed to post last week. Although it is largely an excuse, I just didn't have the energy to write.
It is getting cold in Cheongju. For those of you that know me well, I oftentimes feel cold regardless of warm weather. In reflection of my cold-temperature intolerance, living in Korea is an odd decision. As I decided, I knew it was a strange choice-- but I concluded that abandoning my comfort zone was desirable. I only hope that while I am mingling outside of familiar areas my physical health does not suffer.......... My plan for the winter is to buy a massive winter coat and run to my various destinations, which will also help maintain my VO2 max :)
The last week I felt rather fatigued. Perhaps this weariness can be correlated to the cold weather? I am not positive on their source, but my low energy levels influenced a very inactive week. Besides my grocery store expeditions and nightly work, I dawdled about my apartment accomplishing absolutely nothing. I irritate myself with my aptitude for wasting time. I could complete countless books or learn more Korean, yet I fritter away hour after hour.........
On another note, this weekend I was pondering the human need for control. Given uncertain or ambiguous situations, most people feel threatened and immediately act to manipulate their surroundings. Why is it that we struggle with the obscure and indeterminate? In reality everything in the future is contingent upon an infinite number of variables. Yet, we frequently fool ourselves thinking that future events are governable-- somehow submissive to our desires. Perhaps it is an emotional survival strategy; pretend to command the environment rather than recognizing that life's events result from the interaction of boundless contingencies. I wonder which strategy is more beneficial: constantly struggling with the environment or accepting uncertainty while remaining aware of danger. Hmmm a worthy question for contemplation.......
With that my lovely readers I am off to freeze my buns off!
It is getting cold in Cheongju. For those of you that know me well, I oftentimes feel cold regardless of warm weather. In reflection of my cold-temperature intolerance, living in Korea is an odd decision. As I decided, I knew it was a strange choice-- but I concluded that abandoning my comfort zone was desirable. I only hope that while I am mingling outside of familiar areas my physical health does not suffer.......... My plan for the winter is to buy a massive winter coat and run to my various destinations, which will also help maintain my VO2 max :)
The last week I felt rather fatigued. Perhaps this weariness can be correlated to the cold weather? I am not positive on their source, but my low energy levels influenced a very inactive week. Besides my grocery store expeditions and nightly work, I dawdled about my apartment accomplishing absolutely nothing. I irritate myself with my aptitude for wasting time. I could complete countless books or learn more Korean, yet I fritter away hour after hour.........
On another note, this weekend I was pondering the human need for control. Given uncertain or ambiguous situations, most people feel threatened and immediately act to manipulate their surroundings. Why is it that we struggle with the obscure and indeterminate? In reality everything in the future is contingent upon an infinite number of variables. Yet, we frequently fool ourselves thinking that future events are governable-- somehow submissive to our desires. Perhaps it is an emotional survival strategy; pretend to command the environment rather than recognizing that life's events result from the interaction of boundless contingencies. I wonder which strategy is more beneficial: constantly struggling with the environment or accepting uncertainty while remaining aware of danger. Hmmm a worthy question for contemplation.......
With that my lovely readers I am off to freeze my buns off!
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Life
Hello All,
This week I am not really sure what to write about.
My work week was basically unremarkable; The kids have midterms, so many of my classes cancelled. Although cancelled class resulted in free evenings, I would have preferred the dinero in my pocket. I have yet to make a cash store, and with bills to pay, my affairs are a bit tight. Nonetheless I spent several enjoyable evenings at Dunkin Donuts reading. I am hoping that I will have more hours this week and I can work towards earning a small nest egg.
Half way through the week I ventured over to the local gym. I was to secure dance studio usage with persuasive body language. Despite my sore body I am excited about this development. For me dancing is a cleansing ritual; an event where all of my energies can transform, flow, explode, or release. This week I undoubtedly needed to confront some difficult emotions.
This Friday I experienced my first Korean bowling alley. The bowlers were primarily young couples that came equipped with their own bags, balls, and nifty gloves. They were all quite serious. I managed to have fun despite my poor bowling skills and haggard state.
I continue to ponder questions of identity and future. I suppose for a 21 year old woman these questions are quite expected, yet living in Korea forces me to immediately confront them. Within the past week, the question of disconnected actions vs. exhibitions of identity were of particular salience. To what degree is an individual's actions an exhibition of their character or merely a product of situation. I tempted to say that actions can be completely separate from an individual's personality makeup, but it seems that actions are a function of both character and situational pressures. I believe actions result from a complicated algorithm of pressures, which influence a person to choose their particular action. Thus, situation and identity are equally important inputs. This means that any impressive magnitude of situational pressure cannot overpower a person's psychological foundation. Therefore, deplorable actions can never be completely separated from one's true capacities. We must own our actions because ultimately they are a product of our own beings.
It is curious to contemplate the composition of one's true being. What composes an identity? If the only way to measure an identity is overt actions, and these actions result partly from external influences...... It is mind-boggling to attempt and reverse-calculate identity from behavior and limitless external inputs. Another thought; Whatever identity is, can it be quantified as good or bad? If so, what is the rubric of measurement?
There is a good possibility that these answers are indeterminable and that I waste time with my inquiries. Yet, I will continue my efforts as I wonder the streets of Cheongju................
This week I am not really sure what to write about.
My work week was basically unremarkable; The kids have midterms, so many of my classes cancelled. Although cancelled class resulted in free evenings, I would have preferred the dinero in my pocket. I have yet to make a cash store, and with bills to pay, my affairs are a bit tight. Nonetheless I spent several enjoyable evenings at Dunkin Donuts reading. I am hoping that I will have more hours this week and I can work towards earning a small nest egg.
Half way through the week I ventured over to the local gym. I was to secure dance studio usage with persuasive body language. Despite my sore body I am excited about this development. For me dancing is a cleansing ritual; an event where all of my energies can transform, flow, explode, or release. This week I undoubtedly needed to confront some difficult emotions.
This Friday I experienced my first Korean bowling alley. The bowlers were primarily young couples that came equipped with their own bags, balls, and nifty gloves. They were all quite serious. I managed to have fun despite my poor bowling skills and haggard state.
I continue to ponder questions of identity and future. I suppose for a 21 year old woman these questions are quite expected, yet living in Korea forces me to immediately confront them. Within the past week, the question of disconnected actions vs. exhibitions of identity were of particular salience. To what degree is an individual's actions an exhibition of their character or merely a product of situation. I tempted to say that actions can be completely separate from an individual's personality makeup, but it seems that actions are a function of both character and situational pressures. I believe actions result from a complicated algorithm of pressures, which influence a person to choose their particular action. Thus, situation and identity are equally important inputs. This means that any impressive magnitude of situational pressure cannot overpower a person's psychological foundation. Therefore, deplorable actions can never be completely separated from one's true capacities. We must own our actions because ultimately they are a product of our own beings.
It is curious to contemplate the composition of one's true being. What composes an identity? If the only way to measure an identity is overt actions, and these actions result partly from external influences...... It is mind-boggling to attempt and reverse-calculate identity from behavior and limitless external inputs. Another thought; Whatever identity is, can it be quantified as good or bad? If so, what is the rubric of measurement?
There is a good possibility that these answers are indeterminable and that I waste time with my inquiries. Yet, I will continue my efforts as I wonder the streets of Cheongju................
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