Hello all. This week I feel more emo-kid than usual. Throughout the week I have repeatedly been overcome with the desire to walk in the wind and run in the rain. Usually these types of cravings reflect my inner-turmoil.
At school it was finals week, so I found my classes more relaxed. As the kids tested, I essentially read for an hour. I am feeling increasingly more confident teaching. In fact work is my favorite part of Korea. In addition to taking a central role in the learning process, which I so dearly love, I am assured 6 hours of other humanity and source for conversation. So despite the lack of a strong infrastructure or leadership, I enjoy teaching.
The cycles across time are most intriguing ; some people move and others leave. Both physically and emotionally our fellow humans, like ourselves, are in constant flux. There are no guarantees that people will stay. So living life we must constantly readjust our cognitive structures to account for the constant fluctuation of people. One thing that is true in all cases is one can never calculate all the possible variations life throws us. At the moment I doing my best to cope with these undulations and find myself holding onto those that have fallen away. I wonder if the cycle will complete and I will find myself in their company again. Or perhaps those individuals are permanently relocated, lost in another orbit somewhere in this immense world.
I have ceased keeping track of my time in Korea because it is daunting to think about the time ahead of me. I miss having my family and friends nearby. I have grown weary of my isolated life. I have grown weary of myself and my thoughts. I wish someone was here to give me hugs whenever I wanted one. I wish I was more flexible and that I could just assimilate here. In reality I make the choice, so it is my own inexorable nature that prevents me from being comfortable. Yet realizing this I cannot will myself. I do not know what needs to change. Should I will myself to change my expectations? No, I already have done so. Or maybe change my routines? Well, I have certainly modified my routines since moving. Then what is it I cannot accept? Maybe that one can live without affectionate interactions..... I refuse to abondon this hope, because it drives me forward.
Affectionately yours,
-Holly-
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2 comments:
hang in there, holly! i think its hardest through the third month, and then it should start feeling more like home. you're strong, and i know you can make it. and don't worry, we've been good about writing so we won't become one of those emotionally estranged friendships! i really like reading your blog because i feel like you can so clearly state things i've definitely felt before too. love you!@
Yes, hang in there indeed. I LOVE reading your blog by the way. It's very refreshing to read another's words who thinks of life in more detail.
In any case, do not feel alienated. Very much like yourself, that is something I have yet to accept, and I question whether I ever will. My life revolves around my relationships. Though there are certainly times when I wish to be alone and away from everyone, I know I could never completely detach myself from them (physically, mentally, and emotionally).
However, in your case you've already taken the first step, which is to remove yourself physically from the picture. Perhaps the next step is to mentally detach yourself, and then finally emotionally. This might explain the turmoil you feel. Because although you recognize the issue, you still feel a mental connection and an emotional bond to those back home.
I know you don't want to completely forget about the people you miss (especially not your family), so maybe just a fresh perspective will suffice.
I realize that this may or may not work for you, but if I were in your shoes I'd just focus on myself and take every little interaction with those back home as a "bonus." In other words, think about the situation in simplified terms: You're thousands of miles away from those you love and the chances of you getting what you want from them is REALLY low. You're a prisoner in a cell so to speak. The one certainty is that you've got time to spend in a confined area, away from everyone and everything. Though you long for what lies beyond the walls, you know for a FACT that for the following "x" years you will be in that cell. So what's a prisoner to do? Focus on themselves. Do whatever they have to do to get by and then work on self-improvement (physically, mentally, and spiritually). Similarly, no doubt that the prisoner longs for physical interaction with those he loves, but he is forced to accept that the only comfort he'll receive will come in the form of a letter or visitation.
Things are much different in your case though. You still have your freedom. So go out and do all things you wish to do and work on all the things you wish to work on. Know that better things await you, but do not anticipate them. Take every phone call, email, message, etc. as unexpected gift and cherish it for what it is.
I know this is A LOT easier said than done, but sometimes looking at things objectively facilitates the process. I hope this has been helpful. Stay strong, believe in yourself, and never let up.
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